It's a beautiful Saturday morning in Austin, Texas. Had a great dinner with amazing friends, Adam and Katie Love, last night. The kind of dinner where you just cook, eat, drink(Well, I can't while on chemo. Man, I miss my ritas!!. They surely have to have SOME medicinal purposes!) The dinner was so nice and easy. Lots of laughter which does heal. Come home, go to bed. I wake up look in the mirror and see no hair and utter, "Dude, this is not your best look". Oh well... I do my old man routine where I drink my coffee, read the paper and turn on ESPN. Gotta love the little things!
I start my day and like a hammer these questions interupts my simple morning.
IF YOUR LIFE ENDED TODAY, WHAT DID YOU DO? WHO DID YOU HELP? DID YOU TRY EVERY DAY TO HAVE A CHRIST LIKE SPIRIT OF LOVE, FORGIVENESS & FAITH. DID YOU JUST BELIEVE?
Man, I just want my coffee!! The answer to those questions scared me a bit b/c I've fallen so short, so many times. But then I remembered God knows this. Where I am in life and it's no surprise to him. I don't believe he accidentally gave me cancer b/c he was not paying attention. I believe he gave me this day to do a better at being my best than I did yesterday. I think that's how it works. You wake up, show up, try and just believe.
Now, I need to tell the people I love, that I love them b/c life happens. That's what I'm learning...
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
Before the bell rings for Round 2
MD Anderson is a big, massive machine. It's insane. A great place to diagnosed not the best place to heal. Now, that I'm back home, in Austin, I met my new oncologist that will handle the next two rounds of chemo treatments. Great doctor and very old school. He said, "Well, you don't look sick, you don't act sick and the mass has gone done by more than half in two weeks. Are you still running & working out every day"? I smiled and said, "Yes sir! Does that mean we can slow this chemo stuff down". Then he just said, "Nope". I quit smiling.
The chemo that I receive starts with an 8hr infusion, like an iv, that goes into a small tube stitched in my arm. After that I where a fanny pack for 5 days with the chemo liquid and that pumps into my system then I'm done for 3 weeks. (For those of you that know me...I'm so not a fanny pack guy!) At MD Anderson, they stuck me in a bed, left me alone and I always felt like a number which you are. They don't ask for your name just patient number. So, after talking to the doctor he showed me the infusion room and along the way introduced me to nurses and staff. It was really, really nice to hear names not numbers. When I walked into the room I saw what I call "bags of hell" the chemo bags. I just wanted to say NO!!!! I ran an 8 minute mile two days ago and I can run a 5 minute mile out of here! Then it hit......peace. I looked around at everyone that was sick and didn't feel fear but compassion. Maybe this room is where I can be an example. Maybe this room is where I become bigger than the "bags of hell". Maybe this is where I can make someone next to me smile by telling them I hear they have a great happy hour. Maybe this is where I help someone else through God's spirit. This is where I grow... for more than 8 hours.
The chemo that I receive starts with an 8hr infusion, like an iv, that goes into a small tube stitched in my arm. After that I where a fanny pack for 5 days with the chemo liquid and that pumps into my system then I'm done for 3 weeks. (For those of you that know me...I'm so not a fanny pack guy!) At MD Anderson, they stuck me in a bed, left me alone and I always felt like a number which you are. They don't ask for your name just patient number. So, after talking to the doctor he showed me the infusion room and along the way introduced me to nurses and staff. It was really, really nice to hear names not numbers. When I walked into the room I saw what I call "bags of hell" the chemo bags. I just wanted to say NO!!!! I ran an 8 minute mile two days ago and I can run a 5 minute mile out of here! Then it hit......peace. I looked around at everyone that was sick and didn't feel fear but compassion. Maybe this room is where I can be an example. Maybe this room is where I become bigger than the "bags of hell". Maybe this is where I can make someone next to me smile by telling them I hear they have a great happy hour. Maybe this is where I help someone else through God's spirit. This is where I grow... for more than 8 hours.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Bad hair day...
Being humbled...
Having a great day right up to the point where I scratched my head and hair came out. That sick feeling we all get in our stomach hit like a freight train. I came home and shaved my head and tried to hold back the tears. They came non stop in the shower. Now, I have a choice. I choose to pray:
Dear God,
"I don't know why this is happening but give me your spirit and strength. Please help me to help someone else. Please. Thank you for this day, my family, my friends, Becca and amazing love and so much support I keep receiving. Thank you for not leaving".
I keep asking myself what exactly is a "bad" day? I decided that today didn't have to be one.
Having a great day right up to the point where I scratched my head and hair came out. That sick feeling we all get in our stomach hit like a freight train. I came home and shaved my head and tried to hold back the tears. They came non stop in the shower. Now, I have a choice. I choose to pray:
Dear God,
"I don't know why this is happening but give me your spirit and strength. Please help me to help someone else. Please. Thank you for this day, my family, my friends, Becca and amazing love and so much support I keep receiving. Thank you for not leaving".
I keep asking myself what exactly is a "bad" day? I decided that today didn't have to be one.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Sometimes it feels like it's just you...but it's not.
Sometimes I think b/c I have cancer that I should get a "pass" on all days sad, upsetting or discouraging for a little while. I think I could make a case that I've reached my quota. At these times, I want to say "ENOUGH"! Just for today, ENOUGH! Then with amazing force I am reminded that life doesn't stop or slow down for me. It just keeps happening. I can get upset, rationalize and justify whatever I want but in the end, God gave me this day and that truly is a gift. How I choose to begin and end it is also a choice. Maybe the best thing to do is tell God, "thank you" and give this day and all its trials and drama to him and show up again tomorrow.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Something to keep in your back pocket
"I have fought the good fight. I have finished the course. I have kept the faith".
2Timothy 4-7
Maybe our job isn't to ask why or figure out God's next move. Maybe our job is to wake up and ask God how to keep the faith. Some days it's so easy and then there are the days that it seems impossible. Those are the days we let go and find freedom. A blessed freedom.
2Timothy 4-7
Maybe our job isn't to ask why or figure out God's next move. Maybe our job is to wake up and ask God how to keep the faith. Some days it's so easy and then there are the days that it seems impossible. Those are the days we let go and find freedom. A blessed freedom.
And it begins..
My name is Rob Hill. I'm 40 years old and I have cancer..for the second time. This is my story up front, honest, naked but truthful. I'm my own experiment and so is this blog. The question is: How powerful is faith, friends, family and the BELIEF things will change? My hope is that this blog will show us.
I'm not famous. I don't have a slogan nor do I have my own wrist band. I've never had a blog and I don't spend time on Facebook. The reason I started this blog was not for my own ego or to garner support. My motive, my drive is to help someone, somewhere who is in a battle of some kind to remember when all else fails and you feel like you're on the losing end of whatever you're fighting to stop, take a breath and just believe.
I've never had or wanted a blog. In fact, I always wondered why someone felt they had to share what was happening in their lives. Funny how life works because I feel I have to do this. The only thing that I ask is that whoever reads this blog, pass it along because I am bound and determined that this space and this blog are shared by strangers, as well as friends. Maybe all of us can help others but also ourselves.
I have tonsil cancer and have done one round of chemo and gearing up for another. There's lots to tell and explain. There are so many people that I will talk about but for now....IT'S ON!
I'm not famous. I don't have a slogan nor do I have my own wrist band. I've never had a blog and I don't spend time on Facebook. The reason I started this blog was not for my own ego or to garner support. My motive, my drive is to help someone, somewhere who is in a battle of some kind to remember when all else fails and you feel like you're on the losing end of whatever you're fighting to stop, take a breath and just believe.
I've never had or wanted a blog. In fact, I always wondered why someone felt they had to share what was happening in their lives. Funny how life works because I feel I have to do this. The only thing that I ask is that whoever reads this blog, pass it along because I am bound and determined that this space and this blog are shared by strangers, as well as friends. Maybe all of us can help others but also ourselves.
I have tonsil cancer and have done one round of chemo and gearing up for another. There's lots to tell and explain. There are so many people that I will talk about but for now....IT'S ON!
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