It's all mental

Just started my last week of chemo and will get unhooked from the pack on Friday. I came home from the infusion and saw a huge poster on the front door with beautiful flowers from Bec. I felt a bit fuzzy but was really happy. Slept well and woke up kind of down and I couldn't understand why. Everything is going well. Physically, I'm way beyond expectations and the cancer has shrunk over 90% with doctors very happy about a full recovery. It's all good.

Then a little voice got in my ear and told me how much I was missing and how I felt cooped up and how frustrating it is to be working from home. The voice kept reminding me how bad I felt and how far I had to go not how far I've been. I won't lie, I got real down, real fast and that's not part of my nature. So, I decided to pass all of the worry and heaviness over to God. I know he knows where I am and how I feel. Chances are he might be a bit disappointed b/c I'm looking at today, where he sees the whole picture, my whole life. Sometimes I think he shakes his head and says,"You have no idea what awaits you if you just trust me. This is the season I gave you, for a reason, now let's see how you come out of this hard and painful season into a new season of joy." I don't think about why I got cancer. Can't go there. All I can do is put my faith in God at my strongest and on a day like today where I'm far from strong. I have to trust in his plan. I just have to believe.

Downtime.

I'm so not the guy to "rest" during the day. My day starts early with coffee, the paper, my sacred 4 mile run around Town Lake, the gym, shower shave out the door with a fly by Stsrbuck's just cause that's what the cool kids do. Get my coffee out the door to tackle the world. Now, my routine is a bit diffferent. Cofffee & paper the same then the gym. I ran an 8 minute mile on the treadmill which may have been one of the dumbest things I've done but I was mad and wanted to "push myself". I missed being outside, missed my sacred trail, b/c you really can't do during chemo or stay in the heat. We all know winter hasn't exactly hit yet. So, I hit Starbuck's where they know me and are great. This time I strolled in sweaty, ball cap, no hair, pick stitched in my arm and wondering who I would know walking in. To be honest, I was a bit nervous but the just said, "Whatever, stand tall". Got my coffee and the guy behind the counter asked how I was doing and I said, "Great, man. No worries"

Flash forward to today. Feel good. Feel strong but really tired. The doctor told we can fix everything but fatigue. Your body is fighting the cancer and you still have chemo in your system which is poison, literally. Alot is going on so relax. Relax? So, today I'm learning a really big lessson in humility. They just keep on coming:) I can get moody, restless or upset OR maybe spend the afternoon talking to God, reading everything positive and plan my comeback b/c believe me it's coming. Maybe God is saying, "Relax and be still. I know where you are. I know how you feel. Do you trust me?"

Facing a challeng is the easy part. Letting go and letting God take over in the middle of that challenge is hard, at least for me. But I'm learning that's where faith is strengthened and peace starts to show up. Maybe all we really need is faith and peace. The rest comes along by itself without our help.

If Cancer Were Just Physical

I have a friend of mine who lost her father to cancer last night. She posted her loss on FB with the words, "Rest in peace, sweet daddy. I love you more than you know". I read that and cried. I don't know the details. I just know all the family got together for what could be the last time. I've been letting her know that she is in my prayers but her words stayed with me last night. We all or I focus on tests, ct's, chemo, etc.., but for my friend, it's the day after. It really happened and it wasn't a nightmare. Ironically, it was life.

The only thing I know for sure is the power of faith. I am so sad. A bit scared b/c cancer won this time but my faith tells me to believe that with all the tears, sadness, fear and anger we are still in God's hands. My faith tells me life is just a make up of different seasons. It seems a hard season has been around a long time like a long and brutal winter. But I believe the fog will lift and God will lead those out of a hard season to a new season of relief, laughter and gratitude. We will be reborn, recharged and stronger for the next "winter" where we will laugh instead cry. Stand tall instead of falling victim to fear and helping someone who is where "we" were in a hard season. Then we can be a testament of faith.

But today is today and I'm thinking about my friend. I pray, I think and I just believe.

Before the morning.

It's 5:38 am and I was really trying to get that last hour or two of sleep. The way look at it, I've earnred it. But now comes the part we ALL must face. What kind of day do we want? The choice is made with our head still on the pillow. Yes, I'm in the middle of a dog fight with cancer and thank God, I'm winning. But that's not the hard part, at least for me. The hard part or challenging part is to find true joy, peace and contentement in every situation. I get scare and sometimes I wake up at night thinking the worst. Then I'm reminded that they are some things in my control. Those are my thoughts! I choose to lay in bed, listen to my wave machine that relaxes me and do some reading (all positive) till I wak up or dose off for a bit.

It's amazing the power you can harness by combining positive thinking, expecation and faith. I sense myself moving from being weighted down by the effects cancer has had on me, my family, loved ones to a blessed release that God will guide me down the right path. I don't have to force anything nor do I have to manipulate things to "work out". Our job is to wake up and say, "God, I'm showing up. What is it you want me to do". Then find the joy in doing that. It's all in how we look at our morning and day. I want to be excited again about living and believe me I am!

I once read where we can curse a rose bush for it's thorns or never see the thorns because of the beauty of the blooms. Our choice. Just like today.

Great Devotional For The Day!

This was passed along from a dear friend. It applies to all of us. Enjoy!

Today's Truth. 
Romans 5:3-5 (NLT) "We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us--they help us learn to endure. Endurance then develops strength of character in us, and character strengthens our confident expectation of salvation."



Let's Pray 
Father, I am so tired of trying to weather the storms of life on my own. I need Your power and strength to face each one. Please teach me to turn to you first. Help me learn to patiently endure the hard times and honor You in the midst of them as I walk by faith.

In Jesus' name, 
Amen.

Middle of round 2 and the bell has rung.

Yesterday I started my second round of chemo at Texas Oncology. It's an amazing place! Before I walked into the infusion room, I asked God to give me the strength to overcome the "bags of he'll" that is the medicine. Since being diagnosed I've read so much about our own, small, daily choices. I put that to the test and chose to walk in happy. Yes, happy. Remember this blog is an experiment after all!

I sat in my recliner and had all my books and the newspaper. I looked around and introduced myself to my neighbors that were older women going through chemo, as well. We chatted and then they explained they had errrands to run along with shopping. Classic! I realized these women were making choices just like me. Choices that make them stronger than a disease, divorce, economic fears, whatever.. When they left I felt inspired. I felt strong. Then something happened that made me feel humbled and grateful beyond words. A wife brought in her husband in a wheel chair with a nurse. They looked to be in their 50's. They had to lift into the recliner b/c it seemed he was almost paralyzed. I once again silently whispered to myself, "My God". My heart broke for him. You are then reminded of the monster cancer and it can happen to anyone....anyone.

I'm reading "The Power of Positive Thinking" which is a very old book but amazing! It describes how faith and the power of choice can transform your life but also others around you. So, if I get scared or want to cry, I stop, talk to God and choose to believe that the good things I focus on WILL materialize in a blessed manner. So far, it's working but in small ways. When anyone asks me how I feel I choose to say, "Great! Feeling strong. It's all good". People just kind of look at me with a blank stare. I love it.

When I left the unit they brought my pack and I tried to wrap it around my waist b/c I thought it was a fanny pack. Oh, the fanny pack! The nurse laughed and explained it goes over my shoulder. "Like a man purse"! She just kept lauging. Fanny pack to man purse. Too bad I'm not doing chemo in Europe! Choices...all about choices.

"You cannot always do something to help your friends, but you can always be something to help them if your own lamp of faith and love shines clear."

Love Field is s cruel name sometimes.

Sitting at Love Field waiting on a flight back to Austin and it's a tough wait. I came to see, my future wife, Becca Fortner and it was so nice. Some challenges but all laughs, smiles and slow hugs. That's how are love is, unconditional and beautiful. She is my rock and my soulmate. I start 2nd round of chemo tomorrow and had to see her before it started again. I had to get some strength from her. I saw some great friends and went out but in the back of my mind, Monday and starting chemo was lurking in my mind.

Cancer is a battle of wills. You can give in to fear and sadness or somehow just pray to overcome it. When Bec dropped me off I felt both our hearts break. But that's ok b/c this is temporary and I focus on our life after this. So, as I sit in Love Field, trying not to show tears, the only thing I can do is pray and just believe.

How I got smarter by not talking.

For those of you that know me, I'm no introvert and that is an understatement. I love to talk and to laugh. I've been that way since I can remember. I was always one of the "class clown posse" in school and IT WAS FUN! As I got older, I loved to hear stories of all kinds and in college, I believe I became an expert storyteller. At least, to me I was. Talk, talk, talk,laugh, laugh...good times. But something funny happenede when I got cancer. I lost half of my voice. Not really what I was expecting nor wanting but then again there is not ONE thing good that comes from cancer, physically speaking. See, the mass in my neck and throat was putting pressure on both my vocal chords and finally paralyzing one chord completely. It takes more energy to talk and it's in a raspy whisper but it doesn't hurt, it just harder to talk. Especially, on the phone trying to get workman out to the house. "Sir, could you speak up. I can barely hear you". I close my eyes and remain calm. What am I going to do, yell at them? Classic.

But in all of this, I've learned that it truly is better to be the one that listens and observe. Don't get me wrong but I still like to tell stories and my voice will get back to normal in a few weeks. Maybe all of us should take a day where we make a concerted efforted to talk less and listen more. It truly is empowering! You become more patient and that's also empowering.

Sometimes there are times for no words..just silence. When I was in the oncologist office, after days of tests, he said that the cancer hadn't spread which was huge. The oncologist left for a second and his assistant said, "You're quite lucky. If it had spread it would be incurable". Not a word was said. Just a silent prayer saying "Thank you".

What is it about a Sunday?

This is a beautiful Sunday in Austin. It really is. Not one thing has gone wrong today but sometimes it seems I have to work harder at remembering the good things and blessings I have on a Sunday. (Kind of ironic to me.) Maybe I feel tired from the week and all the heaviness and drama that comes with fighting cancer. Maybe I'm a bit sad I can't go run around town lake b/c I have to stay out of the sun. Maybe I'm just tempted to complain but I can't. I won't. I can't and still sleep tonight b/c I remember who I saw at MD Anderson. I saw children who are so sick and haven't done one thing wrong. I remember the look of fear and sadness on the parent's faces as they comforted their children. I could see how much a mother wish she had been the one who had gotten sick, not her little boy with a mask over his mouth and nose to keep out germs. I remember the faces of the elderly couples who were taking care of a sick spouse after decades of marriage. I remember an elderly man barely pushing his elderly wife in a wheel chair. He just wasn't strong anymore but had to be. At least, that day. Finally, I remember something that was branded into my mind forever. I came out of a test at 7pm, headed back to the hotel room and I passed a man in a wheel chair, asleep, wrapped in blankets, hooked up to an IV.....and alone in an empty hallway. I passed him and uttered, "My God". I felt guilty for just walking past him. Thinking about him now moves me to tears.

So, on this Sunday, I won't complain about not running outside, losing my hair, getting tired or whatever. I'll get better but so many won't. I'll count ALL my blessings. I'll thank God for my friends, family, the love of my life, Becca, who didn't run when I got sick but is my rock and always tells me,"We aren't through dancing". How beautiful is that? I'll thank God for so many prayers being said for me and amazing love and support being sent my way.

I'll remember that plenty of people would trade places with me on this Sunday.